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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488681">He Doesn’t Love You Like I Do</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose/pseuds/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose'>DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All Elite Wrestling, 新日本プロレス | New Japan Pro-Wrestling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adam is selflessly selfish?, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dream Sequences, Golden Lovers is the Payoff, Hangman needs a hug, I’m new to NJPW so some things may be slightly incorrect, Kenny doesn’t love you like I do, Kenny is confused and paranoid, Kenny misses Kota, M/M, NJPW Wrestle Kingdom, Song references, The Cleaner - Freeform, WK 12 inspired this, Wrestling Stable: Bullet Club, bullet club is fine, but Bullet Club 4 Life!!, but he’s not without fault, fluff at times, i don’t even know just read the fic, i torture my favourite characters, kenny is on the edge of a breakdown, never trust Cody Rhodes, the author is trying something new, yes I know I am late to the BC party</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:27:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,403</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose/pseuds/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s only 8 words, and yet they follow him everywhere. They weren’t even said to him, but he’ll never forget them. </p><p>These 8 words, they make him question everything. He hears them from many others, with his name changed for another.</p><p>What are these words, that torment him so?</p><p>“Kenny Doesn’t Love You Like I Do.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ibushi Kota/Kenny Omega, Kenny Omega/"Hangman" Adam Page</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Love How Your Soul’s a Mix of Chaos and Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tgaret990/gifts">Tgaret990</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First fic of 2021! </p><p>I’m tryna start this year off with a good one. I hope you all enjoy it.</p><p>I was catching myself up on some basic BC knowledge, having only really seen AEW, and saw a clip from Wrestle Kingdom 12 which inspired this whole thing! </p><p>I really hope you enjoy. And please comment! I love comments!</p><p>Also, this is a gift for Tgaret990, because your work inspired me to even begin writing, and I think this should be dedicated to you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kenny is watching the match on the monitors. He doesn't like it. He hates it, actually, but he watches anyway, knows he has to. He knows that the men he considered brothers could turn on him, on his love. It would be over in a blink. as quick as pulling the trigger. He glanced at his boots and sighs. He knows the pressure is getting to him. It gets to everyone, eventually.</p><p>His eyes flick back up to the screen to see Cody's hand tightening cruelly in Ibushi's hair, forcing him to look up at him. He hates the sick smile on his face. Kota's eyes were vacant and empty and his lips were parted, falling open gently. He looked to be unconscious, at the very least concussed, and Kenny's stomach was sick with guilt.</p><p>Even in such jeopardy, Kota still looked perfect, in the way that Romeo must have thought of Juliet's body in that tomb, if he remembered the play rightly. Tragically beautiful, even in his lifeless state. </p><p>He always finds it hard to watch Kota's matches, as beautiful as he always looks in action. </p><p>Even though he knows he always comes out okay in the end, the fear has him on the edge of his seat, body tense, leg bouncing as if that will let out some of the tension and restlessness he's feeling. It won't, it never does, but he can't seem to stop. Something told him that he needed to watch this match. That he needed to be ready for this. </p><p>He still remembered the desperation in his every movement as he tore the chair from Cody's grip that night. He remembered feeling like a traitor. To the Bullet Club, to himself, to the fragile persona he had built. </p><p>He hated Cody for that. For making him question everything he was. </p><p>He had grown into the persona he had constructed for himself. The Cleaner, aptly named, as his intentions were to 'clean up' the junior heavyweight division. Although, he certainly wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty.</p><p>Ruthless and cruel, a man who had rejected his humanity, who had sold his soul for a spot at the top of the mountain. He had changed the game, playing by his own rules, rules that no one dared challenge. He was Bullet Club's leader, and he ran a tight ship.</p><p>Some called him sadistic, but the Cleaner called himself a leader.</p><p>The ruthless attacks that he had lead were the things that cemented them as the most dominant force in the company. They had power, enough power to now be at risk of falling apart.</p><p>Kenny had learned the hard way that you can't please everyone, but he had to do his best to try. Mutinies were not uncommon in Bullet Club. Devitt had fallen first, and he himself had stabbed Styles in the back to take his rightful place in command. He didn't want to be the third leader to fall foul of his brothers.</p><p>He had hidden behind his role as the cleaner for so long that the had begun to embrace it, growing into his role, and Cody had pulled everything to pieces just as he felt somewhat stable.</p><p>Fuckin' Cody. His eyes rolled at just the thought of him.</p><p>Words from the monitor pull him back down to reality. It's Cody's voice, and it's raw and rough.</p><p>
  <b>"Kenny doesn't love you like I love you!"</b>
</p><p>His fists clench, and he sees red, creeping in at the edges of his vision. A surge of anger that makes him shake slightly.</p><p>Cody had always had this sick obsession with his and Kota's relationship, Kota in particular. Something about the gleam in his eye when he looked at Kota made Kenny want to break the American Nightmare's nose. </p><p>He had always been trying to drive a wedge between them, and now this?</p><p>He hated this. He hated the constant power struggles, he hated the mind games, he hated the things he had to do to keep his spot. Most of all, he hated Cody.</p><p>Ibushi was everything to him. The only thing in his life that he truly, unconditionally loved. He had followed his heart across the world for him, he did everything with Kota in his mind and in his heart. They understood each other in  a way that he could barely describe. No one had known or ever would know Kenny as intimately or as honestly as Kota had. </p><p>Even as partners, they always tested each other's boundaries, inflicting exquisite hurts that left scarlet-purple marks and bruises, and carved scars into their skin. They would share apologies while they each licked their wounds, both pretending that they didn't enjoy the physical proof that the other had put those marks there. </p><p>They belonged to each other in every way possible. It somehow transcended the physical. The pain was perfect every time and neither felt any remorse for inflicting it. He wonders briefly if that was even close to normal or if they were both fucked up. He decided after a millisecond of contemplation that he couldn't care less, because it was theirs, and that was all that mattered.</p><p>If that made him some kind of sinner, maybe whatever hell existed wouldn't be so bad.</p><p>For Cody to try and take away the one thing that was truly his, the only person he really trusted... it was a declaration of war. </p><p>It was a war he would fight, too. He would fight tooth and nail to protect Kota Ibushi. He'd kill for him, if it came down to it. He would do anything to ensure that the man he loves is safe and happy. </p><p>Rage was singing in his blood, and it felt like liquid fire. The only thoughts filling his head are those violent fantasies where he tears Cody to shreds. He's had far too many of those to be considered sane.</p><p>He wakes abruptly, sitting bolt upright. </p><p>It's a hotel room, that much is clear.</p><p>The carpet is monochromatic and striped, the bedsheets are plain white, and he can hear strangers chatting in the hall. </p><p>The year is 2020, he recalls. It's late August, and he can certainly feel it. Two and a half long years after Wrestle Kingdom 12. He wasn't in Japan anymore. His version of the Bullet Club had fallen apart long ago, and that rivalry with Cody was all water under the bridge now.</p><p>He couldn't help but feel tense whenever Cody or Brandi is nearby, though. He would never admit it, but he hadn't let it go. He didn't know if he ever would, not after the trust issues Cody had caused him.</p><p>He's quickly realises that he's not alone in the bed. Hangman is beside him, and it all rushes back. The world makes sense again, as much sense as 2020 had ever made. </p><p>He smiled, settling back down. Everything is back to normal. He can feel it eating away at the back of his mind, but time has trained him well in ignoring his problems.</p><p>It's not quite light enough just yet to justify getting out of bed. He'd say it's about 6 am, at the latest. So, he wraps an arm around Adam, shuffling in close so they are pressed together. Kenny's not usually a big spoon, but right now, it feels safe, happy, and right, and all thoughts of Ibushi have left his head.</p><p>He feels Adam smile, and he turns his head and rolls over to plant a sleepy kiss on Kenny's lips, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him in close. Kenny smiles at him, moving his hand up to stroke Adam's cheek with a feather-light touch. He can feel Adam's warmth. He's not alone, he's loved, and at a time like this, that means everything.</p><p>"Mornin', Darlin'." Adam smiles back, voice deep and rough like it always is in the mornings. He's a little less hungover than usual. "How'd you sleep?"</p><p>"Another weird dream." Kenny confesses. "Wrestle Kingdom 12, this time."</p><p>"Your match with Jericho?" He asked, but he knew that wasn't it. That was never it. Kenny's thoughts were never simple, never as simple as dwelling on a match from a two years ago for no discernible reason. He and Jericho weren't on good terms, sure, but not bad enough terms to warrant a nightmare.</p><p>Kenny would never admit it, but that's exactly what all these odd dreams were. Nightmares. They both knew it, but that didn't mean that they would ever admit it.</p><p>"No." He mumbled softly. "It was something backstage." </p><p>"Do you wanna talk about it?" Hangman asks, propping himself up on an elbow, looking at him with gentle concern. </p><p>"I'm not sure. I don't know if it's something you wanna hear." He sits up and crosses his legs, fingers interlocked in his lap. Adam thinks he could spend a lifetime with Kenny, and he still would never understand him completely.</p><p>"If it's bothering you, you can tell me. I'm not gonna be mad." He joins him in sitting up and leant back against the headboard. He watches Kenny fidget nervously, unsure how to start. Adam waits patiently, still a little bleary eyed. His head hurts, but he ignores it. </p><p>"I was backstage, watching.. um.." he swallowed thickly. "Kota. It was Kota's match against Cody. And right at the end, he grabbed Kota by the hair and yelled at him 'Kenny doesn't love you like I love you.'"</p><p>Adam nodded to signal that he remembered. He could see Kenny's eyebrows knitted together with worry. He wasn't showing it, but it hurt. He knew that Kenny still loved Kota, even if he would never say it.</p><p>"And I felt angry. So angry that... I just kept imagining torturing him, killing him, over and over and over. It was so vivid I could feel it, it was a dream after all. Does that make me a bad person?"</p><p>"Kenny... you are many, many things. But you aren't a bad person. I know that for sure." Adam reassured. </p><p>"I shouldn't be thinking about Kota. I have you... and I love you, I do. So why am I still thinking about him." </p><p>Adam thinks that, if he were less selfish, he would tell Kenny to go back to him. He knows their hearts are intertwined, that they always find a way back to one another... but he doesn't want that. He loves Kenny, truly loves him.</p><p>With the Elite falling to pieces, soon he won't have the camaraderie he came here for.<br/>
He'll leave, and Adam couldn't let that happen. He'd do anything to stop Kenny leaving him.</p><p>"He was a big part of your life, Kenny. You've known him well over 10 years. And all these dreams have been Bullet Club-Oriented. He was bound to show up eventually." It was true, and yet Adam still felt like he was lying. The way Kenny looked at him afterwards made it more than worth it to say, though.</p><p>"What did I do to deserve you..?" Kenny looked at him, genuinely in awe. There was such love and expression in his eyes.</p><p>"You deserve everything, Kenny." He said, etching his heart into the words. He meant it, he loved Kenny and believed that he deserved everything. </p><p>Kenny felt his heart flutter, and he pulled Adam into a soft, gentle kiss. </p><p>"I wish I could be the man you think I am..." Kenny whispered, leaning his head on Adam's chest, hand resting on his ribs, feeling his breathing. "You're so amazing... and I'm nothing like you..." </p><p>"You're amazing, Kenny. And I love you."</p><p>Kenny feels himself melt into his arms at the sound of it. The declaration is so pure and sweet that he feels a wave of warmth crash over him, and he just feels fuzzy and soft. All his worries feel so far away.</p><p>It's just the effect Adam has on him. The piece of him that had once belonged to Kota, was now reserved for him and him alone.</p><p>At least, that's what he told himself.</p><p>He nuzzled into the touch and Adam's hands find his curls. Kisses are pressed to his forehead and he is left practically purring in his embrace. His eyes are gently shut, and he is dozing off.</p><p>Adam smiles down at him, and his hand gently strokes Kenny's curls.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Til we’re just Saints swimming in our sins again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Adam makes a dreadful mistake, and he only realises when it’s already too late.</p>
<p>He’s sealed his own fate.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adam keeps Kenny close as he sleeps, holding him close in his arms. He looks down at his sleeping form, and the way he's curled up in his arms, and he leans back, relaxing.</p>
<p>Kenny isn't good at expressing love with words. That surprises quite a few people. He somehow manages to mask all his feelings and be in total control of himself while wearing his heart on his sleeve.</p>
<p>One of the many diverse ways that Kenny says expresses love without words is allowing someone to be there when he's at his softest, most vulnerable point. Kenny is willing to expose that part of himself only with those he trusts.</p>
<p>It's just another part of the mentality he adopted as Bullet Club's leader that never left him. He guards himself, he makes sure he can trust someone before he opens up his heart.</p>
<p>Or perhaps, Kota is to blame for that.</p>
<p>He tries to stop thinking about that. Things feel okay, and with all the conflict in the Elite as of late, that is not a luxury he can often indulge in.</p>
<p>Adam looked down at Kenny once more, admiring him. He'd do anything to keep him here, by his side. He'd give Kenny every part of himself. He quietly whispered. </p>
<p> <b> "Kota doesn't love you like I love you” </b></p><p>
  <b></b>
</p>
<p>
  <b></b>
</p>
<p>He knew that those words are a near perfect facsimile of the ones that now haunted Kenny, but they feel so right. And in his eyes, they are true, no one could love Kenny as much as he does, no one else could adore him to the point of reverence. The way he so truly deserves.</p>
<p>He doesn't want to lose him, when this is the first time in so long he has been able to feel happy without being blackout drunk.</p>
<p>Does that make him the villain of this story? Is he the one trying to stop the protagonists coming together? Is he like Cody?</p>
<p>Of course not, not the way he sees it. </p>
<p>If Kenny wants Kota, Adam can't physically stop him. He can beg and plead and cry, but so can Kota. </p>
<p>And Cody had been an intruder. He hadn't been Kota's boyfriend, he had no right to say what he did. But Kenny has told Adam that he loves him more than anything multiple times. He has the right to be jealous, he has the right to be upset.</p>
<p>Does every villain feel like this? Like their actions were reasonable and justified? </p>
<p>These thoughts are making his head spin, so he looks back down at Kenny. A tiny piece of him knows he's deluding himself. But with as much time as Adam has spent alone and feeling unloved, he thinks he's entitled to his share of insanity.</p>
<p>Besides, he's only trying to do the right thing for the Elite, to keep things the way they are. The way they're supposed to be!</p>
<p>The way they need to be.</p>
<p>How can he protect the Elite? How can he prevent the collapse of the little found family he so heavily relies on?</p>
<p>He knows that they can't face Matt and Nick again. They nearly killed each other in their match at Revolution, and the Bucks practically stepped all over Kenny's heart, using the Golden Trigger on him. The move that he and Kota used to use. </p>
<p>He remembers how Kenny sobbed hopelessly into his shoulder in the aftermath. He remembers caring for him, he remembers feeling nothing but sore and numb. He had held Kenny throughout the night, and neither of them could relax enough to sleep. </p>
<p>Matt and Nick would do anything for those titles. They would lie and cheat and steal; Adam had seen it all first hand, but FTR... FTR were good guys. They got it. They were his best friends besides Kenny. Even though they weren't Kenny's biggest fans, they understood just how much this meant. At least that way, they would get a fair fight.</p>
<p>His eyes land on the title belts that rest by their luggage. The glint of the gold plating plants an idea in his mind, one that quickly begins to develop.</p>
<p>He wakes Kenny after a few hours of deep thought. He wants to make sure he doesn't have anything to sort before Dynamite that evening, he didn't want Kenny to have to worry about anything.</p>
<p>They organise their things, talking and laughing to kill the time until the show. They head to Daily's place, hanging out in the EVP room.  Adam is quiet, thinking about everything. He has a concrete plan. </p>
<p>He's going to cost the Bucks the shot at the titles. </p>
<p>He knows it's for the best in the long term, even if it doesn't seem that way. He can't tell Kenny. Matt and Nick go out to the ring, and Adam comes up with an excuse to hang out by the opening to the ramp. </p>
<p>"I'm, um, going to the bar."</p>
<p>"Alright cowboy." Kenny kisses him quickly, finding relief in the fact that FTR won't be there. He knows they're manipulating him, everyone can see it. How Adam can still trust so blindly is a miracle to him. He wishes he still had that innocence</p>
<p>Adam lingers in the hall, watching the monitor just by the stairs that go through the area where the crowd would sit, if there was one. He sees a chance, barrelling down the stairs, leaping over the barricade.</p>
<p>Nick was scrambling towards the ring, and he's up on the ring apron in a blink, ready to break the pin. He gripped onto Nick's leg tightly. Nick tried to shake off his grip but it was too late. Matt was already down for the count. It was over. </p>
<p>He wasn't ready for Nick's look of betrayal to sting as much as it did, and he feels a wave of pure regret crash over him. FTR are laughing, and it's beginning to hit him.</p>
<p>He really fucked this one up, didn't he?</p>
<p>He can feel their eyes on him. They're shocked, and he knows it. He can't look at them. He turned away, making a beeline for the bar, and poured a glass. He wanted it, he just wanted to feel something good. He just wanted someone to drain the pressure from the swelling.</p>
<p>He let Matt and Nick yell in his face. He didn't retort, or even offer an excuse. He lets them oust him from the Elite. He lets them say what he knew they had always thought of him anyway. </p>
<p>Matt's words kept echoing in his ears, taunting and teasing. He could feel the alcohol that had been thrown at him burning his eyes. It disguised his tears well, but they knew he was crying. The words echoed louder, deafening him.</p>
<p>You're nothing but a drunk.</p>
<p>And could Adam really, truly say he was wrong? What had he ever achieved alone? He had always relied on Kenny. They were right, and it hurt. He deserved it anyway. Every pang of sweet agony.</p>
<p>There was no turning back from here. He was far past the point of no return and he knew it. He stared at his warped reflection in the shattered mirror, and practically collapsed onto a barstool. He put his head in his hands and he sobbed.</p>
<p>He threw a glass at the wall. The shards clattered to the floor, and he let out a choked sob. Another shot. Another shot. Nothing. No feeling. Just please, this once, let him be happy. Don't let him enter that hazy delirium, filled with a tangle of nightmares.</p>
<p>Let him feel something other than the grief. </p>
<p>He rested his head for a brief second as a sob slipped out. He cried for a while, before hearing soft footsteps behind him. He recognised the pattern. He knows it's Kenny.</p>
<p>"Don't you see that they were manipulating you, Hangman?" Kenny said, softly, heartbreak etched into the words. He's in shock. </p>
<p>"They wouldn't..." he says, feebly. His voice is hoarse from sobbing. He's sad and scared and he's so confused. "They wouldn't do that to me... they're my friends, they love me." </p>
<p> <b>"They don't love you like we loved you, Adam!" </b> </p>
<p>It was a sobbed out cry, so volatile and fragile. It's only then Adam notices the careful choice of words. A reprisal of that same phrase. He's not sure what it's meant to symbolise, but he does notice one thing.</p>
<p>Loved.</p>
<p>Past tense. Past tense. Adam feels sick, beyond nausea. He feels like he's on the cusp of blacking out. Kenny loves him, Kenny has to love him. </p>
<p>"Why... why did you choose them over us... over me..?" Kenny asked, in the softest, weakest voice he had ever heard from him.</p>
<p>"I did this for the Elite!" He sobbed out.</p>
<p>"How would this help us!" Kenny is raising his voice again, guarding himself. Guarding the part of himself that Adam used to own.</p>
<p>"We can't face them again and you know it. It would kill us. I didn't want you all to go through that again... I thought this way would be better." </p>
<p>Kenny's heart clenches. He knows Adam is right.</p>
<p>Last time they fought the Young Bucks had not been pretty. The match had been physically and emotionally exhausting for both parties. Matt and Nick had utilised every cheap tactic in their arsenal, and it turned out there was many. </p>
<p>They had even used Kota against him.</p>
<p>He knew how much the belts meant to the brothers, but still... that had crossed a line. The wound from that hadn't quite healed just yet.</p>
<p>He missed when things were simple.  When Matt wouldn't stop showing him pictures of his kids, and Nick would join in and Kenny would smile and coo over the pictures, and even through the flicker of homesickness in the Jackson brothers' eyes, he knows there is no place they would rather be than right there with the rest of the Elite. With his second family, which was just as tight-knit and important as the first one.</p>
<p>He missed when things were easy. When the aftermath of every show was a meal at the nearest fast food restaurant, and they would all tease each other to no end, laughing until they finally retired to bed.</p>
<p>He missed when there was never any infighting beyond loving and playful jokes.</p>
<p>Kenny has gone quiet, and Adam speaks up gently. He crosses the distance between them with a surprising amount of grace.</p>
<p>"Are you ok?" Adam asks. He's overwhelmed to the point where he can't distinguish emotions anymore. He has some. That's about as far as his knowledge goes right now.</p>
<p>Everything was going horribly wrong. Kenny felt like he was stretched to the absolute limit, trying to maintain all these relationships, constantly having the weight of all the fights on his shoulders.</p>
<p>"I don't know anymore, Hangman. I just don't know." Kenny whispered with tears in his eyes. Letting his guard down once more, as he has so many times before, more than he can count. He puts himself in the total care of Adam. Trusting him to mend the broken parts, trusting him to be able to fix everything.</p>
<p>Neither of them know just what they will do if this is one of those things that can't be fixed. </p>
<p>Tears keep spilling down Kenny's cheeks as he stands there. It's always endeared Adam, how easily Kenny is brought to tears. It's probably a bit mean, but he's always thought Kenny looks pretty when he's crying, just like when he laughs. He's always beautiful, but he's at his most perfect when he's expressive.</p>
<p>Adam's mind is frantically spinning, whirling beyond control as he sputters out the first thing in his head.</p>
<p>"Please don't leave me." Adam begged, weakly.

</p>
<p> <b> "Matt and Nick don't love you like I love you." </b> </p>
<p>Kenny freezes a little when he hears that phrase.</p>
<p>"I'm not going anywhere." He promised all the same.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Tell Me How You’re Sleepin’ Easy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From then, most nights are spent back to back, in cold, uncomfortable silence. Neither of them sleep, not well at least. Kenny hadn't exactly forgiven Adam. He just hadn't been able to accept the finality of cutting Adam off for good.</p><p>There's occasional mumbled 'I love you's, and even when they hold each other they feel disconnected. He tried to be there for him, he tried to act like nothing had changed, but no force on earth could make it feel right.</p><p>Nothing feels right anymore.</p><p>With nowhere left to turn, he called an old friend for advice. It was 2 in the morning, when he wriggled out of Adam's embrace. Luckily for him, Adam was a heavy sleeper. He walks out to the balcony. The hotel room is stuffy, and he needs to breathe</p><p>He dials Don Callis' number. He's not honestly expecting him to pick up, but he's grown desperate, and Don has known him since he was 10. Sometimes Don still treated him as a kid in need of guidance, or an unruly teenager one decision from managing to ruin his life. </p><p>He's always found it both annoying and endearing, but right now he knows he needs it. Don is the best person he could ask. He's the reason Kenny is able to do anything he does, and he cares about him, as a person. He needs something like that, someone who cares.</p><p>"Kid? It's been a while, what's up?" His old mentor asked, seeming rather jovial for the hour. </p><p>"I'm in need of advice, and you know me better than anyone. You're like a second father to me." </p><p>It's not entirely true. The person who knows him better than anyone is Kota Ibushi, but there is no way in hell he is calling Kota at two in the morning for advice of this nature, and that goes without saying. Don knows him well enough to know what he means.</p><p>"I'm flattered." He said, the smile in his voice evident. "Well, what do you need?"</p><p>"What do I do about Adam?" Kenny asked. Don could hear the emotion in his voice, the conflict. The line grew quiet for a moment, as if the other man were deep in thought.</p><p>"Here's what I think is happening; You miss him." Don said. "Is that right?" </p><p>Kenny allows himself an eye roll. His relationship with Don was never as formal as it should have been. "Of course I miss Kota. That goes without saying." </p><p>Don allows himself a small chuckle at Kenny's grouchy tone. He sounds like he's pouting, which he absolutely is. He often does, when Kota is brought up. </p><p>"Well, that's the solve, isn't it? Adam is a crutch to deal with a separate problem."</p><p>"I love him, Don." He glances at Adam, asleep in the double bed. He looks happy and peaceful, and the guilt is already lingering in the pit of Kenny's stomach.</p><p>"No, you don't."</p><p>Kenny was about to yell at him, but he faltered. He wanted to hear what he had to say.</p><p>"You were dependent on Kota, and now that you don't have that support, you're leaning on whatever is nearby. If you continue down this path, you will only hurt him more. I don't want you to realise that he's not right for you the hard way."</p><p>"Don, with all due respect-" Kenny started. Don knows Kenny well enough to know that he only uses English formalities when he's not being totally truthful.</p><p>"You don't owe me any respect, Kenny, just say what's on your mind." His response is cryptic, but he might as well have called Kenny a liar.</p><p>"I don't think I'm gonna be okay without him..."</p><p>"You'll be okay, because you'll have me to lean on. You don't need this romance bullshit. It's nice, but it's not supporting you. You need a mentor."</p><p>That actually sounds right to him. The give and take does take a toll after a while if your partner is an alcoholic. He knows he has a tendency to carry the problems of others, and make them his problems. It's what had made him a good leader.</p><p>"I'm telling you, He's dead weight. How about this, I'll come help you. I think I know what to do." Don reassured </p><p>"He's at such a low place... his alcohol issue is already bad enough, I don't want to worsen it."</p><p>"Adam doesn't love you like I love you." </p><p>That fucking phrase again. Those stupid 8 words. They follow him everywhere.</p><p>"He thinks he does because you're the only one kind enough to tolerate him anymore. I know what to do. Don't you trust me?" Don asked him, and Kenny gritted his teeth and thought about it for a moment. </p><p>Don had always been able to give him the best advice. Maybe Kenny was just seeing this from the wrong perspective.</p><p>"With my life." He admitted with a sigh </p><p>"Then I need you to trust me with this."</p><p>He nodded out of habit, but Don couldn't see that. </p><p>"Now, here's what you're going to do... With someone like Hangman, the chances of you beating FTR are slim to none."</p><p>"Glad to see you have so much faith in me." Kenny muttered sardonically. </p><p>"Kenny, you know full well that's not what I meant. He's just... not quite up to your caliber. And against a team like FTR, you need someone on your level, like Kota, for example."</p><p>"Adam is on my level, I mean, have you seen him?"</p><p>"He's really not, Kenny. Think with your head and not your heart. Sometimes you have to make the hard choices to find progress. And it's the first step to finding something you lost."</p><p>Kenny's eyes bug out a little as he realises Don's plan. He's scared, but the worst has already happened. He doesn't think he has it in him anymore to be afraid of something that could be good.</p><p>"You want to bring back the Cleaner? Don... I left that part of me behind long ago."</p><p>"And yet you still have all the negative drawbacks and none of the benefits. You're still paranoid, you're still stressed... but you don't have any of the success. It's time to take what is yours, Kenny. It's time to start thinking like a champion."</p><p>"...Thank you for the advice." Kenny said, begrudgingly, even though he was the one who had called Don and asked in the first place. </p><p>"Same time tomorrow?"</p><p>"I'm not sure I can handle that, especially with All Out looming over me. I still need to make up my mind. It's not an easy decision to make."</p><p>Don makes a noise of agreement. "I suppose not. You should sleep on it, and give me a call when you're ready, Kenny. I'll support you in whatever decision you make." He hangs up the phone. </p><p>Kenny slides down the wall, face in his hands. </p><p>That wasn't what he had wanted to hear. Granted, he had expected it, and he agreed with half of the points made. He had just hoped there was a better way than abandoning somebody who so clearly needed him.</p><p>He stares out at the sky. They're dull pinpricks of white against the black, not unlike specks of dust upon a shelf. They're nowhere near as bright as he remembered as a child.</p><p>He was torn between a lover, and the life he left behind. He stood there for hours, until the Florida sunrise was bleeding over the horizon, red and pink and orange and golden.</p><p>He walks back inside. He looks over at Adam. Really looks at him, tries to figure out what he's feeling. He wants to tear his hair out. He held his face in his hands and sighed deeply. Adam was still fast asleep. The best sleep he'd had in days. He sighed, a little jealous, before joining him.</p><p>He shuts his eyes and drifts to sleep.</p><p>The crowd are roaring as he thrusts the belt at Jay White. His show of respect, his grace in defeat. </p><p>Cody has rushed in. He is shouting, something about Hangman's moment and needing to act like a leader. </p><p>The words are blending. His knees are weak, he's sore, the lights are too bright and the crowd deafens him. He's so overwhelmed, and he can see something like pity on Page's face.</p><p>Then the shoving starts. Things are gradually growing clearer by the moment, like memories falling into place.</p><p>Matt looked up with him with shock and betrayal. He hadn't meant to shove him. He starts apologising, but Matt and Nick begin to leave. He calls out apologies, but they say something about not being in the mood for this tonight. </p><p>He grits his teeth, feeling vulnerable. He's exhausted. He reaches for Marty, the only one in this ring he knows he can trust. Marty pulls him in close, supporting him. His British accent makes it's way to his ears, and though his mind is foggy with exhaustion, but he can just about make it out.</p><p>"You two, sort this out amongst your selves."  Marty said, gesturing to Cody.</p><p>Cody gives him a look before gesturing to Hangman, making it clear that he needs an apology. Fine. He can do that. Hangman leaves, and it's just the two of them left. </p><p>"Are we okay?" Cody asks, repeating it twice. The bastard knows he's on the edge of just passing out. Maybe Jay knocked him loopy in the match, who knows. </p><p>"I'm sorry you lost." Cody does that same again, repeating it to make sure he hears. If Cody weren't such a snake in the grass, he would appreciate it. Apologies are made, and he goes to leave. Cody sits on the middle rope to make it easier to get through.</p><p>He should have seen it coming. Cody Rhodes being nice is a huge red flag in itself! But he didn't, and before he can even say anything in protest, he's dropped right on his head.</p><p>He curls in on himself slightly, as if it'll help him at all. Cody kicks him in the face, and he tries to roll away.</p><p>He hears Cody's voice again.</p><p>"Hold him up, hold him up! This could be your moment!" Maybe repeating things twice is just a verbal tic he has, maybe Cody wasn't being nice at all. He's not really surprised, or in a place to mock somebody's speech patterns. </p><p>He looked up at Hangman with desperation, grabbing onto the hem of his jeans. A silent plea not to do this. </p><p>He hears the clatter of metal on metal, Cody swinging the steel chair against the ring post. He doesn't know what Cody is checking for but he knows it's not good.</p><p>Hangman, his friend, someone who he cares about, someone he put his trust in, is holding him still for Cody. Holds him up so he's kneeling, holds his arms back. He's trapped and powerless, and-</p><p>He sits up, in a cold sweat. Adam is beside him, and before he's totally certain of what's happening, he's calling Don once more. The dream had reminded him of something he had chosen not to think about, for his own sake.</p><p>"Can you fly out here for All Out?" He's still panting </p><p>"A hello would have been nice." </p><p>"Look, I really am not in the mood for pleasantries. I thought it over, and you're right. I just need you to book a hotel room and let me know where it is. You need to be waiting there after the match. That's all I ask."</p><p>"There's my boy." He chuckled. "I'll get right to it. I'm proud of you."</p><p>"I still feel like shit for it." </p><p>"Don't sweat it, Kid. What has he even done for you? You just focus on getting rid of what's holding you back."</p><p>"Alright. Goodbye."</p><p>"See you in a week."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Curiousity over all my morals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone!</p><p>My schedule is a little wild so chapter uploads may get a little inconsistent from here.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Kenny, what's wrong?" Adam asked, from the bed. </p><p>He was sat up against the headboard, looking at Kenny, who was across the room. He had been pacing while on the phone. He's no clue how much Adam has heard, but it's still flooding him with anxiety.</p><p>"Nothing. Nothing's wrong." He said quickly, like a child caught doing something naughty. His voice is higher pitched than usual. He knows that's his tell when he lies on the spot, but it’s not like he has a choice.</p><p>He shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants and runs his hand through his hair nervously.</p><p>"Stop lying to me, Kenny. I know that's your tell. What's going on?" He stood up, walking over and taking Kenny's hands in his own. </p><p>He instinctively turned his head away but Adam cupped his face and made him face him. Kenny didn't meet his gaze though, he continued evading.</p><p>Kenny could lie to himself, he could lie to people he didn't give a shit about, but he couldn't lie to people he loved. He supposed he would need to try.</p><p>"Fine. Fine, okay." He sighed, finally meeting Adam's gaze. </p><p>"It was Cody." He lied through his teeth, fighting the urge to bite his lip. "He was just asking if you're alright. I just get a bit... jittery, when he's around." Kenny admitted.</p><p>"That's understandable... I noticed something was up with you two, but I didn't want to say in front of everybody... he never really apologised for everything he did back in Japan."</p><p>Something 'being up' was a huge understatement. He was losing sleep. He was avoiding Cody and Brandi and would immediately go silent and fiddle with his phone when they were around. </p><p>Cody hadn't apologised at all. He just pretends that nothing happened. That didn't suffice, the man had a lot to answer for. That very betrayal had sent waves through Kenny's world, had taken many people he loved like family away from him. </p><p>And yet, not a single apology.</p><p>Kenny has even confronted him about it, but Cody had feigned ignorance, pretending that he didn't remember a thing. He didn't bother trying again after that.</p><p>Despite all this, Adam didn't really know just how raw that wound was when he chose to poke it. He hadn't quite understood what Bullet Club had meant to Kenny. If he had known, he would have said nothing at all. </p><p>Kenny feels anger flare in him, and he tries to tighten his jaw and prevent himself from lashing out. </p><p>"Yeah, and neither did you." Kenny snapped, and Adam jerked back, hurt. </p><p>"Wh- Kenny... I wasn't the one with a perverted obsession with Kota!"</p><p>"You think that's what I'm mad about? I'm mad about getting stabbed in the back! I'm mad about all the other things Cody did too, but being betrayed by people I considered friends and brothers was what hurt most. I haven't gotten any apologies for that"</p><p>"It was just business, Kenny."</p><p>"Now you sound like Cody."</p><p>"Yeah, I hear it. I was doing what was best for the Bullet Club at the time. Your intentions strayed from our cause, and I wasn't getting lynched for sticking by you when you were in the wrong! AJ never asked for an apology."</p><p>"I'm not friends with AJ! And right now, I'm wondering why in the fuck I ever loved you!"</p><p>"Kenny!" Adam gasped. The silence that followed was uncomfortable. Kenny couldn't be angry anymore when he saw Adam start crying.</p><p>"I- fuck... - Adam, I'm sorry. I had a dream... and it really got to me. I shouldn't have said that, I didn't mean it..." He pulled him into a hug, hoping that the guilt would subside with the tears. "I'm sorry... please don't cry."</p><p>"I love you, Kenny." Adam said, quietly. </p><p>Adam looked so heartbroken... but Kenny couldn't find it in himself to say it back.</p><p>"Yeah. I know you do." He whispered, soothing Adam quietly.</p><p>The week that followed was filled with more silences and more shouting matches. It wasn't really a surprise to anybody.</p><p>Kenny could feel any affection he had for Adam slipping away as the days ticked by. He wanted to love Adam... but the more he learned, the more he thought, the more he remembered.... the less he wanted to be anywhere near him.</p><p>He just wanted one more night with him, a farewell of sorts. A final memory for them both, to look back on fondly.</p><p>He knew it would make it harder to do what would soon have to be done, but he didn't care. He just wanted him closer, just for one night. </p><p>He had already accepted that things were going nowhere, but he wanted to go to that happy place, even if it was just one last time. </p><p>So, the night before All Out, before the end of this chapter in his life, he chooses to make that night more special. He decides to pretend it's all okay for just a few hours.</p><p>Adam was leant up against the headboard and Kenny was sat beside him. Out of nowhere, he just pulled the other man into the softest kiss, running his hands through Adam's soft curls. </p><p>Adam froze up a little before melting into the kiss. His lips tasted like cheap whiskey, like always. Kenny gently perched on his lap, so gently Adam could barely feel it. Adam's hands found Kenny's waist, and Kenny's hands cupped his face.</p><p>They soon broke the kiss, but they didn't part completely before stealing another.</p><p>Kenny moves to rest his head on Adam's chest, wrapping his arms around him. They're more relaxed now, both laying back, Kenny partially resting on Adam as he planted gentle kisses along his collarbone. </p><p>Adam hummed softly, carding his fingers through Kenny's soft hair. Gently tugging on a single curl, watching it spring back into a perfect ringlet. It brought the softest smile to his face, and Kenny looked up at him, his smile coy.</p><p>"What is your fascination with my hair?" His voice was filled with soft amusement, and he nuzzled slightly into Adam's chest, content to listen to his heartbeat for a while.</p><p>"It's so fluffy." He grinned, ruffling his hair, making Kenny laugh softly. It was the purest, most perfect sound he had ever heard, and his heart felt full. There was no other way to explain how this felt.</p><p>For a moment, he couldn't do anything but stare into his eyes and admire him. Kenny blushed under his gaze, not really knowing what to do or say. Adam quietly pulled him a little closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Kenny settled into the embrace, and welcomed the opportunity to get some sleep. </p><p>A few hours of cuddles and snoozing passed smoothly, and it felt like almost nothing could break the reverie. Then they shared another kiss. It was short and sweet, but he felt that it was a poetic end to their story.</p><p>The warm weight of Adam's embrace made his eyelids droop, and before he knew it, he was totally asleep</p><p>The day came.</p><p>The match was long and brutal and hard fought. Kenny and Adam were far from synchronised, every movement was disjointed, and Kenny even ended up accidentally hitting Adam with a V-Trigger.</p><p>As previously predicted, they lost. Adam had taken the pin. He went over to the timekeepers area, picking up a sign. Or maybe it was a table. He wasn't sure. Whatever it was, it was heavy.</p><p>Kenny looked at the sign in his hands. Truly evaluating it, feeling the weight of the wood in his hands, understanding the weight of what he was about to do. </p><p>He took his time, pacing back and forth. He was contemplating the consequences of bringing it down on Adam's back, of hitting him until the mat held a red mass. He was comparing the pros and cons of beating him with it, until not only his heart was broken and bleeding, but his bones and that pretty face too, Adam's beautiful blonde curls matted with the drying substance. </p><p>That sadistic part of him, the part he thought he had abandoned, is back. </p><p>He knows that if he left Adam as if he were nothing, it would lead to a far sweeter satisfaction. He'd get so much twisted glee out of watching him try to climb up that steep mountain towards sobriety, but hopelessly tumbling into the fiery pit of failure over and over, all in a futile effort to win Kenny's love back.</p><p>But that would take so long. He didn't have the patience. He wanted instant gratification, he wanted the thrill. He couldn't help the high-pitched giggle that escaped his lips. He knew these thoughts were wrong and depraved. He didn't care, putting curiosity over all his morals.</p><p>When Adam stumbled over, reaching for him, he took a step back, swinging the sign like he was hitting a baseball. The world went silent, and there was nothing but the crack of impact, and Adam's stuttering gasp of betrayal.</p><p>He kicked an open can of beer their opponents had left behind toward the camera, and the liquid splashed onto the lens. </p><p>He swung over and over, before grabbing him by his blood-matted hair and dragging him to his feet, making him look into the now-crazed eyes of the man who used to love him.</p><p>"You really thought this could be a win for you?" He laughed darkly. "Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player."</p><p>He threw Adam's bruised body back at the canvas, before heading backstage, grabbing his bag, which he had dumped in the hall before the show, and got into the car.</p><p>As he passed Matt and Nick in the hallway on his way out to the rental car, he announced he was done. Before beginning the drive back to the hotel, he removed the CD of country songs that Adam would always blare on the long drives. He snapped it clean in two. A fresh start.</p><p>It was that he hadn't loved Adam. He had, but Kenny was an impatient man. He grew bored quickly, and constantly was moving on to new things.</p><p>Kenny had grown bored now. </p><p>It was always the same routine, that same loop. Fighting and making up just to fight again. As he put the key in the ignition, he allowed himself some time to reminisce.</p><p>The drive to the hotel dragged on. He'd managed to hit the evening traffic. He pulled up and checked his phone. Frantic messages from Matt and Nick. Even Cody has sent a good 13 messages. He leaves them all on read, before opening the message from Don. It's short, and to the point.</p><p>194.</p><p>He smiled, pulling on a hoodie and putting the hood up, and putting on a pair of aviators, walking up to room 194. </p><p>He knocks, 3 sharp and clear blows, as agreed. The door opens, and Don Callis greets him with a smile, and an arm around his shoulders.</p><p>"Kenny, I'm so proud of you. That was even better than I hoped! How do you surpass my expectations every time?"</p><p>"It's a talent." He grinned. "It felt good. So good."</p><p>"Let's cast our eyes to the future. We want you to climb up the ranks. We want you to be champions by year's end, sooner if possible."</p><p>"Got any bright ideas?"</p><p>"Well, I've done a bit of digging, and I know there's a number one contender's tournament. They wanted some second opinions on their list of potential candidates. I've already made a case for you to be a candidate. I'm trying to dissuade them, but they want Page in the tournament too." </p><p>"I can handle it, if he is. No mercy, The Cleaner is back in the drivers seat. You can trust me, Don." </p><p>"I know I can, kid. I'll keep you updated. I'm only in town until Tuesday morning, from then, you're on your own for a while. But you can call on most days, and I'm only a flight away." He smiled. "The wonders of the modern world, am I right?"</p><p>He smiled, but it was strained. The Cleaner was now dormant and the guilt was setting in. He could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket.</p><p>"Yeah." He said. "You always are, Don."</p><p>His voice is a little higher than usual.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I always thought I might be bad, Now I’m sure that it’s True</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The time that leads up to Full Gear was relatively uneventful, but it was not without incident. No time in Kenny's life ever is. </p>
<p>Predictably, he defeated both of the necessary opponents to advance to the finals. The problem was, Hangman was on the other side of the bracket. And he had done equally well, defeating both of his opponents.</p>
<p>Kenny cursed. It was the storybook ending everyone had wanted, everyone but him anyway. It was the obvious outcome, and yet he had been hoping with all he had that it wouldn't work out that way. He didn't want to face him again after what he'd done. </p>
<p>Because life seems to have it in for him, it inevitably did happen, and here he was, pacing in his hotel room while Don talked strategy. He interrupted, waving him off with a dismissive hand. His sunglasses glinted in the shitty hotel lighting.</p>
<p>"No need for that kind of talk. We already know what we're doing, there's no need to discuss it." He said, careful to keep all his anxiety out of his voice.</p>
<p>He was still somewhat uneasy about embracing that dark part of him, but the longer he thought about Adam, the more comfortable he grew. He gradually stopped fiddling with his tie, and then stopped pacing. </p>
<p>"What's your plan, then?" Don asked. He could see how stressed Kenny was, but he knew Kenny could handle it. He could handle anything the world threw at him.</p>
<p>"Go for the throat. No mercy. If he gets the upper hand, play for sympathy that I know that he will give, he's weak like that. No more preparation is needed." He said firmly, with confidence he didn't know he had. </p>
<p>Pretending to be something he's not is... freeing. Being able to just not care feels good. He feels powerful instead of hopeless, he doesn't feel like he's being tossed by the tides of fate, unable to guide himself. It's a fresh, new feeling, and an intoxicating one at that.</p>
<p>"If you're sure, I trust you completely. You knew him best." Don's voice was sincere. Too sincere. It made Kenny's skin crawl.</p>
<p>"Regrettably." He added, a note of disgust in his voice. This was better. He was settling into  whatever this was, this game he had chosen to play, a twisting labyrinth of half truths and white lies.</p>
<p>It's better than facing the truth.</p>
<p>Don's kindness was still bothering him, far more than he was letting on. He was glad Don hadn't picked up on it. He couldn't be truly nice. He couldn't have pure intentions. No one ever does.</p>
<p>Paranoia was normal in Kenny's world. It had been a fixture of his life for several years now, something he had grown used to. He almost sought comfort in it. If he was aware of all potential dangers, he was prepared. </p>
<p>He'd be sleeping with one eye open tonight. Maybe he wouldn't sleep at all. Maybe he would never sleep again.</p>
<p>If selling his soul was the price of feeling the high of being loved, he would pay it thoughtlessly. He craved the same praise that he used to receive constantly, he craves that validation.</p>
<p>Self doubt had been a companion for so long, and to feel the building anticipation at the thought of that doubt leaving him... it's glorious.</p>
<p>"It's time to go." He announced, glancing at his watch. He had a bit of time, but he wanted to avoid everyone else, and that would mean finding a good spot backstage.</p>
<p>"Then go. Good luck." </p>
<p>"I don't need luck." He flashed a cocky smile as he swung his bag over his shoulder, and walked down the hallway, silently analysing his surroundings. He noted all the characteristics that he sees in so many hotels, all across the world, just to keep his mind occupied. </p>
<p>The corridor's threadbare striped carpet was a garishly-coloured eyesore that looked like it had been painted by a kindergartener. The abstract art that hangs on the walls is soulless and bland, matching the carpet's colour scheme, which somehow manages to be both muddy and oversaturated.</p>
<p>He drove to Daily's place in silence. He didn't allow the anxiety to eat away at his resolve. Not now, not when he was so close to the glory he hadn't known he had been craving. He merely ignored it, mentally preparing himself for the fight. Clearing all thoughts that weren't violent or necessary from his head. </p>
<p>He walked into Cody on his way to the EVP room. They each made eye contact, and the tension in the air grew heavier, like a cloud filling with rain. His smile grew as Cody looked at him quizzically.</p>
<p>"Judas, It's been a while since we spoke. How's that 20 pieces of silver working out for you?" </p>
<p>Cody looked at him, confused. He knew what it was about. Kenny was still mad about bullet club, and yeah, sure, he had been pretty terrible but so had Kenny. He knew Kenny was avoiding him.</p>
<p>He could see something, a flicker of malice behind the sunglasses. The glasses themselves should have been a clue, but right now he was just confused. Why now, of all times?</p>
<p>"Judas? I'm not Jericho." Cody said, as if he hadn't the faintest idea what Kenny was talking about.</p>
<p>"I am aware."  He nodded. </p>
<p>Behind the aviators he can feel the intense eye contact. Cody gave it some thought. Was he referring to the Betrayal? If it were just betrayal Kenny would have called him a backstabber. Kenny only ever uses symbolism when he is being needlessly dramatic, which was often, but still. He usually thinks about it a little more thoroughly than that. It clicks into place.</p>
<p>Betrayed with a kiss.</p>
<p>He rolled his eyes so hard they nearly fell out of his goddamn head. He was still thinking about that? </p>
<p>Yeah, sure, he had kissed Kota, who Kenny was very much in love with. Almost unhealthily so, he might add. And yeah, Kota absolutely hadn't agreed to it, but he had plenty of chance to pull away, at least in Cody's eyes. Besides, Kenny got his revenge, he kissed Cody's wife, for fuck's sake. He's not taking bullshit for something he did so long ago, either</p>
<p>"You're still hung up on that?" He asked, almost incredulous, but Kenny had already been walking away when he had started focusing on his surroundings again.</p>
<p>"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Cody called out, rounding the corner in pursuit of him, but the hallway was totally desolate. Not a man in sight. Kenny had slipped away with surprising ease.</p>
<p>He knew their match was first, and he got ready, lacing his boots and taping his wrists. He walked down the ramp to the ring when he was called. He pointed at him, thumb pointed up, aiming the finger gun at him.</p>
<p>He walked down to the ring, standing opposite him, reminding himself not to admire his still-bruised body. To be honest, Kenny had wanted to put him out of commission that night. It felt like forever ago now, when he had taken that sign to Adam's back. </p>
<p>He still remembers it vividly. The stench of copper, the shouts that became whimpers and pleas. He still remembered Adam grabbing his ankle and quietly begging. He doubted he would ever forget it. It had been one of the most breathtaking things he had ever seen in many, many ways. </p>
<p>He toys with him, at first. Every movement he made was almost shark-like, the way he smiled, the way he circled him, the deadly grace in the movements.</p>
<p>Adam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, listening to the footsteps, trying to forget that it's Kenny that he's fighting, but he can't. The light footsteps could only be Kenny's, he'd recognise them anywhere. </p>
<p>He has to face it head on, even when he wants nothing more than to run away. He hasn't got anyone left to let down. Nobody but himself, at least. He still has himself, and that's enough. He needs to show himself, show everyone, that he is capable of more than he ever believed.</p>
<p>He followed Kenny with his eyes. Time is moving slower, or maybe his thoughts are just racing so fast he can't tell the difference anymore.</p>
<p>He doesn't want to keep looking at himself in the mirror and hating what he sees. He is going to be better. He is going to be stronger, faster, better. He's going to fight to the death for this, for this chance at redemption from the ultimate low. He's going to win them back. </p>
<p>He was in ruins, but he knew he could rebuild if he put in the work. Isn't that what Cody always used to say? 'Do The Work'? </p>
<p>He was going to change for the better, even if just to get Kenny back. He doesn't want to be alone.</p>
<p>He could feel himself still watching Kenny. Craving his gentle embraces and soft kisses, needing his fix to fulfil the addiction he never knew he had. </p>
<p>His addiction to Kenny Omega.</p>
<p>They finally lock up, and it turns up having enough passion to overpower Kenny is a lot easier said, or thought, in this case, than done. </p>
<p>In retrospect, that fact should have been obvious, but it absolutely wasn't at the time. Hindsight is a funny thing, as they say.</p>
<p>The match drags on for what feels close to forever. Every time he's knocked down, he gets back up. He runs the ropes like he's been doing it all his life, which isn't far from the truth.</p>
<p>He takes hit after hit, moonsaults and V-triggers, punches to the gut and knees to the face. He keeps getting back up, and he can see the fire in Kenny's eyes now, burning blue and hot and eager. He's out for blood now.</p>
<p>He scores a lucky buckshot lariat and dives down to pin Kenny. It's a 2 count. It's not enough to win. </p>
<p>He lets out a howl of frustration and kenny rolls out of the ring. Adam leaps over the ropes in a perfect suicide dive, landing perfectly. He got Kenny back in the ring, and looked down at him.</p>
<p>Mimicking Adam's own action from just a few weeks ago, Kenny grabs at his ankle and whimpers. The sound is like a knife in Adam's chest, he can feel it cutting.  </p>
<p>He guides Kenny to his feet and hugged him, whispering endearments,and Kenny swept him off his feet with a bright smile.</p>
<p>Then he was sat on Kenny's shoulders and Kenny was moving his leg back. He realised with a horrible, sickening jolt that it had all been a ploy. </p>
<p>He was driven into the canvas, head first. He was sprawled out in the centre of the ring as Kenny pinned him for the victory. His head was fuzzy, but he did remember one thing.</p>
<p>It was a single moment, only a flicker, like his body had taken a screenshot.</p>
<p>For just a fleeting few seconds, a little bit of the old Kenny slipped through the facade as he reaches out to touch the man's shoulder. Grazing it with his fingertips, a final kiss goodbye. He saw single tear drip onto the canvas.</p>
<p>He left. </p>
<p>He would never forget the way the referee helped him to the back, or the dread and hopelessness that set in the moment Kenny's hand was raised.</p>
<p>What on earth was he supposed to do now?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Beware, Beware, Be Skeptical</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Can I provide you with a sprinkling of GL fluff in this trying time?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adam lingered around the opening of the tunnel, looking out at his best friends. </p>
<p>Well, now they were strangers. Or maybe he was the stranger. Who was he to know anymore? He had just lost someone that he'd known for years and practically grown up with. Someone he loved. </p>
<p>He loved the Elite too. They were family. He would always love all of them and their weird little quirks. Even if they hated him now.</p>
<p>This whole downward spiral had started nearly two years ago, and it felt like a nightmare that he couldn't wake up from. He finds himself wishing every day, that he could have just one more chance. That he could go back and change things.</p>
<p>He wishes that he hadn't taken the loss to Jericho so personally. He wishes he hadn't taken the loss to MJF so personally, too. Most of all, he wished that he hadn't pushed away his friends, his best friends in the whole world.They had only tried to help him and be there for him. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, this was real life and not some cheesy sci-fi movie, or a show for preteen girls about magic and middle school. There's no rewind button. No magic spell, no time machines. There's no undoing what has already been done. </p>
<p>There's only him and the bottle, now. To make it all just that little bit worse, he knows that, one day, that habit would eventually get the best of him too. </p>
<p>He would just have to accept that he would always be second best, no matter how bitter of a pill that was to swallow.</p>
<p>He looked out at his friends. They were rejoicing, and it was well deserved. They had fought hard for the titles and opportunities they had earned, and over a year of hard work was coming to fruition. He's happy for them, somewhere under all the nostalgia and the melancholy.</p>
<p>Matt was crying into his younger brother's shoulder, and Kenny was smiling at them both. He was unsure whether the elder of the Jackson Brothers' tears were from pain or relief, or even both, at least not from this vantage point.</p>
<p>He looked at the glass in his hands, half full with bourbon. It seemed he would be getting a cab back to the hotel tonight. He brought it to his lips, taking a long drink. And before he knew it, the whole glass was gone. </p>
<p>He was transfixed as he watched his friends celebrate, filled with glee he could no longer understand, and slipped away before they saw him. The last person he wanted to talk to right now was Kenny Omega. </p>
<p>Not after Kenny had left Adam laying there, looking up at the lights. </p>
<p>He feels so hopeless, and he hates himself even more for giving himself so much pity. It's an endless cycle, and he's caught in the loop. He doesn't have the fight left in him to break it.</p>
<p>He just wants to rest, he just wants to sleep, he wants the pain to go away. Why is that so much to ask of the world?</p>
<p>Weeks drag on. November is over, and people are bringing out decorations for their homes. He can't walk out into the street without seeing all the lights.</p>
<p>Adam is sick of all the festivities already. It doesn't feel like Christmas. Not even close. The dreadful holiday is still almost a month away, but people are desperate for something to look forward to.</p>
<p>For him, it's not even something to look forward to. For him, it's just a horrible reminder. When you're alone, Christmas just feels like a slap in the face. A reminder that nobody cares. That you are truly all alone in the world.</p>
<p>You sit and you watch and you stare at all the happy families and happy couples and long for that connection, but you know you'll never find it. All you can feel is the biting copdnchilling you to the bone.</p>
<p>He never used to be this cynical, but times change, and so do people. He laughs at that thought, feeling like some edgy teenager.</p>
<p>Adam decided to drink until he passed out on the bar. It was better than being awake. It was better than being able to think.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Kenny had become his mask, he had made himself the man he once had to pretend to be. </p>
<p>He loved this new self. Sharp suits and ties, a pair of aviators and a smug look was enough to give him total control of someone's emotions.</p>
<p>Every word he spoke sounded either condescending or sarcastic. The words fell into place even neater than he used to, and it all felt like before. He was in control. </p>
<p>Jon Moxley had proved easy to agitate. The man was an unstable force of chaos, and it wasn't hard to upset the balance. To the Cleaner, he was nothing but a house of cards.</p>
<p>Don had repeatedly warned him not to underestimate the other man. Kenny had laughed it off, but Don had grown insistent. He hadn't quite called him arrogant, but the word had been on the tip of his tongue.</p>
<p>He decided to take a precaution, to ensure the sanctity of the match. Well, more to get Don off his back. A gentleman's agreement, in his own words. The announcement of which was laced with far from subtle remarks. </p>
<p>He studied tapes. He scoured every source of potential information, he took notes. It was obsessive to the point of neuroticism. </p>
<p>"Kenny. We need a backup plan."  Don said, firmly, in a tone that could only be described as fatherly. It was like having your dad as a sports coach.</p>
<p>"What do you mean?" He asked, pausing the match he had been watching. He was surrounded by notebooks. Some full, some empty, and the one in his lap about three-quarters full at this point.</p>
<p>There were bags under both men's eyes, as Kenny had insisted that he wasn't wasting valuable time on sleep until they were closer to the event.</p>
<p>"What if... in theory, you can't beat him?" Don asked. It was a genuine question. Kenny was the best, the best in the world. That didn't mean Moxley wasn't on his level. In fact, Don would say the opposite.</p>
<p>"Oh, ye of so little faith." Kenny waved his hand that was holding the pen he used to take notes, scribbling down another potential tactic.</p>
<p>"I mean it. He's bested you once." Don said. "It may have been a fluke, and you aren't in his territory this time, but still. He's good."</p>
<p>"That was the old me, Don, you know that." It wasn't even the full truth. He had used very similar tactics to the ones he utilised now, even back then. It had been an exception, but still.</p>
<p>Don gave him a judgemental look that almost made him cringe. He felt like a child caught in a lie.</p>
<p>"I think you're counting too much on the lack of weapons."</p>
<p>"I know what I'm doing, Don." He insisted, but Don began to raise his voice</p>
<p>"He's a hazard to you."</p>
<p>Kenny rolled his eyes "Every opponent I face is, it's not like this is any different." </p>
<p>"It's very different and you know it. If you weren't worried, you wouldn't be watching tapes." He pointed out, and kenny could feel himself getting defensive. He wished he wasn't so absolutely shit at lying.</p>
<p>"I always case out an opponent!" He huffed, almost acting childish. If Don was going to treat him like a child, he'd act like one. </p>
<p>"Not like this you don't. You usually do so the night before, or maybe an extra day or two. You don't scour his wife's social media." </p>
<p>He sighed deeply and threw his pen down. Don had him figured out. He raised his hands in mock-surrender </p>
<p>"Alright!" He took a deep breath. "Alright, Fine. I have my concerns. After all, he dropped me on my head two days ago." </p>
<p>"I know. He caught you off guard, not many can do that." </p>
<p>"What do you propose, then?" Kenny rubbed his temples, trying to get back in control of himself.</p>
<p>Control. It's always about control. Control of himself, control of Bullet Club, control of his emotions.</p>
<p>"A backup plan."</p>
<p>"Yeah, you said that. Got any ideas?" He said, snappily. He rolled his stiff shoulders. He was back in control now.</p>
<p>"I could slip you a weapon." Don suggested</p>
<p>"Beating him at his own game..." He smirked, nodding slightly in thought. </p>
<p>"What do you think?"</p>
<p>"I think." Kenny turned to look at Don, flashing a bright smile. "That you're a genius."</p>
<p>Don chuckled softly. "And I think, that you need to get some sleep. It's been at least 3 days, you need the rest. Your notes aren't even in English anymore, they're partially in Japanese. You're so exhausted you don't even remember what language you speak.</p>
<p>"Oh." Kenny looked back at the notebook and chuckled. "So they are. And they make very little sense."</p>
<p>"Get some sleep, Kenny. You need it. For your own sake." Don said, heading for the door. "I know I'm going to get some."</p>
<p>"Alright. Fine." He smiled slightly. It was nice to have someone around who cared. He could hear his mind asking him how long it would last, and telling him to stay alert, but he's too tired to listen as he flops down on the hotel bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hangman is still holding him up. They're just shy of the centre of the ring, slightly off to one side. He struggled, but he was still weak from the fight and dazed from the impact.</p>
<p>The world is foggy and dull.</p>
<p>He hung almost limply from Adam's grip, head lolling forward. The weight of this betrayal has sapped out any of the fight that he had left in him.</p>
<p>He can hear a fractured voice that doesn't sound like his own mumbling a soft 'why..?'. Pleading for a reason, for some closure, for something.</p>
<p>Adam doesn't say anything in return, just holds him there. Helpless. If Kenny weren't so prideful even in a moment like this, he would probably cry. </p>
<p>He couldn't give Cody the satisfaction or the leverage, so he fights the tears that are coming to his eyes.</p>
<p>His mind is brought back to Adam as his head is tilted up. He can feel the denim of his jeans against his arms, and a ring calloused hand on his chin, making him look up at Cody.</p>
<p>Why would his friend betray him this way?</p>
<p>Cody's betrayal had been brewing for some time, but Page? He had trusted page, even confided in him. Even Marty had done nothing to protect him. </p>
<p>He understood, he didn't want to see his friend harmed by his carelessness. He should have done better to prevent this. Mere paranoia wasn't enough.</p>
<p>Cody has the steel chair, and he's standing in front of him now. He can see his stormy blue eyes, charged with madness. He wants to be anywhere but here. He sees a shape in the distance, a blur of white. He's certain it's just the blur in his vision.</p>
<p>He braces for an impact, an impact that never comes.</p>
<p>He can hear the crowd cheering. Adam lets him go, and he slumps to the canvas once more. Cody follows him out of the ring, running into the crowd, desperate to get as far away from the ring as he possibly could. </p>
<p>He can feel the vibrations that indicate pacing footsteps, and he shuffles away from them, trying to get a look at his saviour.</p>
<p>It's Kota Ibushi, standing there in all his glory. He looks perfect. Ibushi always does.<br/>He's pacing back and forth, glaring out at them. They were running as fast as their traitorous feet could carry them.</p>
<p>Kenny is still sore from the match and Cody's assault. His body is on fire, and he's practically writhing in agony. He can feel tears on his face, now.</p>
<p>Kota walked towards him, his saviour, his angel in white. He leant down, and offered him a hand. Kenny shuffled away slightly, and Kota moved closer. He was kneeling right in front of him, begging with his eyes. Those beautiful, soulful brown eyes. There's no pity in them. He knows that Kenny doesn't want any pity.</p>
<p>Kenny shuffled back to the ropes, pulling himself up.  Kota kept the hand extended. He hears a thousand voices screaming "Take it!"</p>
<p>He doesn't know if they're the voices of the crowd or the ones in his head. It's impossible to tell.</p>
<p>He wants to take it. He wants to hold Ibushi tight and never let go, he wants to stand there and tell all of Japan, all of the world, just how much he loves this man in front of him.</p>
<p>But he's so afraid.</p>
<p>Is this all just another ploy? Another attempt to show how weak he is, that he isn't worthy of the leadership he's been given?</p>
<p>Kota whispers gentle pleas to him, extending the hand a little further.</p>
<p>"Please, Kenny-san. We both need somebody right now. Take it. Come home to me."</p>
<p>He doesn't take it. Kota keeps trying, trying to coax him back into his life. He shakes his head, and the hope leaves Kota's face.</p>
<p>He holds his own, for a few moments longer. <br/>Managing to stay in his feet despite the pain. He's sobbing now. He's still trying to keep at least part of his stubborn pride intact. He can stand for himself, and in such a desperate moment, that's enough. </p>
<p>He turns away and Kota grabs his shoulder and pushes it, forcing him to face what is so clearly happening. Telling him that he's not going away, without speaking a word.</p>
<p>It's the fiercest hug of his life. They each throw all of themselves into it. They are both crying now, holding each other in the ring. </p>
<p>Streamers are floating down, filling the air. They're red, speckled with golden stars. It's beautiful, it's perfect. </p>
<p>It's love.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Strike a match and I'll burn you to the ground</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wakes abruptly. </p><p>He can still feel the memory of Kota's touch on his skin, painting a picture of the days when he was young. He can still feel the red and gold streamers settling in his hair, he can still hear Kota's comforting whispers in his ears. </p><p>His traitorous heart aches at the realisation that it was just a dream, and nothing more.</p><p>There was once a time when Kenny Omega believed in destiny, believed in fate. All that fairytale bullshit that he had long since forsaken. That same fate that he had once believed in had torn them apart, just as it had put them together.</p><p>He didn't want to believe that life could be that cruel. </p><p>Many often say theirs was the love of a lifetime. A spiralling tale of two lovers, a lovestruck soliloquy many only experience through the melodies or stories or brushstrokes of another. The kind of story only destiny itself could tell.</p><p>He had agreed, once. Said himself that their hearts were intertwined, that there was an inescapable pull to Kota that he never wanted to leave. He wanted to spend every moment for the rest of his life caught in his gravity. </p><p>These days he was of a different opinion. </p><p>Love is not designed for the cynical, at least not as cynical as Kenny had become. He had decided that fate was cruel and unjust and he had spent the past year doing absolutely everything he could to tempt it.</p><p>He sits up, covered in a light sheen of sweat. He had been asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow last night, and his notebooks were still sprawled across the floor at the foot of the bed. The information in them is surely garbled.</p><p>He really had gone just a little bit nuts the last few nights, hadn't he?</p><p>He flicked through the notebooks and scoffed a little. It was barely understandable, a weird mix of English and Japanese that made sense to exactly no one.</p><p>He needed to take it easy until dynamite. Light training to keep from getting sloppy, just to make sure he was at his best. Plenty of rest too.</p><p>The days that followed were uneventful, as uneventful as any time ever is. He lays low, occasionally conversing with Don about his plans for the match. </p><p>When the day arrives, he can feel his nerves dancing under his skin. He always gets nervous before big matches. If you aren't nervous you aren't scared of failure. If you aren't scared of failure you don't care enough to be there. </p><p>He shakes it off, letting himself fall into that confident, almost meditative headspace. He's ready. He knows he can do it, he's sure of it. </p><p>The whole morning is tense, and he distracts himself well, but he's almost uncontrollably fidgety. He eats well and he keeps hydrated, on Don's orders.</p><p>Evening comes, and they drive over together. Don will be on the commentating team up an the announce table. Close by enough to put their plan into action. Kenny insists its only for an emergency, like if he gets hurt.</p><p>The hours flow by, as he watches the matches on a monitor in a corridor, hiding from everyone. </p><p>Their match is last on the card, so he has plenty of time to waste. He's prepared everything perfectly. He's done all the research he could, he's in perfect condition, warm but not tired. He's calm and content, in the perfect headspace.</p><p>He thrives under pressure, he built a career out of nothing but raw adrenaline and a technicolour dream. He's ready for this, more ready than he's ever been for anything. When it's time for his entrance, he glances at Don, who's sat at the commentators table.</p><p>He casts caution into the wind, walking boldly and confidently down the ramp. He posed in the ring, like he always did. He didn't allow himself to hesitate. He projected that cocky arrogance he always did.</p><p>He waited there as Moxley walked out from the spot he always did, up in the crowd. He's calm and content to wait.</p><p>The bell rings, and they grapple for a while. Simple chain wrestling and mat work, something they were each well-versed in.</p><p>Kenny would have his biggest advantage when he got some momentum. Time blurred, as he let the calm take over, the chaos in his head settling. He scored a V-Trigger. He had to keep this going, had to keep moving.</p><p>The match was long, and he was exhausted and hurting as they neared the end of the time limit. </p><p>Before he even knows what's going on anymore, he's outside the ring, on the floor. The doctors are checking in on him. The world is blurry and desaturated and he thinks he's about to be sick.</p><p>He gets to his hands and knees, feeling an unmistakable flicker of fear coiling in his gut. He needs to keep going, he needs to keep fighting. He has to win this, he has no choice. </p><p>Don rushes over from the commentators table, lingering in the corner nearby, asking the referees if he is okay. It earns a small smile.</p><p>Maybe someone does care about him. He's been by his side this long... maybe... maybe he can learn to trust again. One step at a time. </p><p>He's being dragged back into the ring by the hair. Moxley is on top of him, raining down blows. The pain is dull, like an echo. He's almost sure he's concussed.</p><p>Don is trying to get the referee's attention, repeating that he's hurt. He doesn't know if it's real or part of their ruse. He suspects it's a bit of both, and watches out for his cue. His head is still swimming, and the lights feel like their burning into his brain.</p><p>Moxley is mocking him, now. Raising his hand in a gun up to the sky, stepping back, ready to end this. A little part of him is relieved.</p><p>Don taps Moxley's shoulder. That's the cue.</p><p>Moxley damn near knocks out his mentor, his father figure, and now he's certain that he's going through with this. Who cares if it's a little bit dishonest? It's not like fate had been kind to him, as of late. </p><p>Don fell back, rolling the microphone to him. He grabs it, being sure to keep it out of Moxley's vision. When Mox pulled him up, Kenny struck him right between the eyes with the microphone with every bit of strength he had left in his aching body.</p><p>He tosses the microphone out of the ring, disposing of the evidence. He stumbles into the ropes, his legs giving out.</p><p>He pulls down his knee pad. Every strike has to count. He doesn't know how long he has before Moxley is aware again.</p><p>He perfectly leaps into the V-Trigger, body on autopilot. Right between the eyes, yet again. The blood that was trickling moments ago is now pouring.</p><p>He grabs for the ropes to steady himself. His mind is foggy, and he wants to give in to sleep, but he knows he has to be strong. He has to make Don proud of him. He has to make Don stay. He has nothing else.</p><p>A second one. Another to the back of the head.</p><p>His legs are weak, he can feel them shaking under him. </p><p>Another V-Trigger. Kenny's knee fiercely collided with Moxley's cheekbone with a thud, and the man's head ricocheted off the turnbuckle.</p><p>He lifted Moxley to his shoulders. It's an inelegant solution, but he has no other choice. He needs to win this.</p><p>He tucks one on Moxley's legs behind him, driving him into the canvas. It's a flawless execution of the One-Winged Angel. The finishing move that only one man has ever kicked out of. One man that he doesn't want to think about right now.</p><p>It's a 3 count. </p><p>He did it.</p><p>Don helps him up and Kenny raises the belt. He's hurt bad, and Don knows it, rushing him to the back quicker than he would like, guiding him by the arm. They rush through the backstage area and out into the parking lot. </p><p>Kenny's gait could only be described as both running and stumbling. The confusion is becoming near unbearable, and he can't even think. He's tired, so tired. Don ushered Kenny into the car, yelling something about impact.</p><p>Don is in the car now, and Kenny stammers out<br/>"Don... I think I'm gonna-" </p><p>Don handed him a bucket before he was even done, smoothing his curls back as the new world champion violently threw up.</p><p>"Thank you." Kenny whispered.</p><p>"Well, it's the least I can do, you're hurt."</p><p>"No. For everything. Thank you. For being here when I needed you." Kenny isn't sure but he thinks he might be crying. Don is looking at him with concern.</p><p>Don puts an arm around him. "This isn't like you."</p><p>"Is Kota alright?"</p><p>"Kenny, you're confused."</p><p>"Where's Kota?" He repeats, insistently, and Don rubs his back.</p><p>"Settle down, Kenny." Don doesn't want to lie to him. Even if Kenny is concussed, it feels cruel. When he's back to himself, it seems that he needs some advice.</p><p>He's worried for Kenny, he views him like a son, and seeing him both distressed and hurt wasn't easy for him.</p><p> "We're going to go to the hotel, get some ice on your wounds, and you're going to get some rest."</p><p>Don would have to stay over, and wake him every so often to ensure that he was alright. </p><p>The night was long and difficult, and Kenny was only marginally better by the morning. But he had stopped asking about Kota. That was good. </p><p>His recovery over the next few days was steady, and eventually he could be left alone again. He insisted that Don stay, though. He was nervous to be all on his own right now.</p><p>He heard a knock at the door. Don stood, but Kenny waved him off. </p><p>"I'll get it." He pried himself out of bed, still holding ice to his eye, hoping it'll take down some more of the swelling.</p><p>Adam is at the door when he opens it.</p><p>"Adam-" his eyes soften, before he tenses, gripping the handle tighter. He begins to close the door, but Adam holds it open with his foot. </p><p>"What are you doing here?"</p><p>"I just want to talk." He said. The unspoken plea was obvious. </p><p>"There's nothing to talk about."</p><p>"Well... there's us."</p><p>"There is no us. There never was."</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>"No. No you don't." Kenny laughed a little, bitterly. "You've no clue how love feels. What we had wasn't love, it was poison. For both of us. It had to end."</p><p>"I know how I feel."</p><p>"I enabled your habits and you enabled mine. If If we had truly loved each other, we would have called each other on our bullshit and worked it all out together. But we didn't, because we were scared of what that could change.  When you love someone..." </p><p>He could only see Kota in his mind. Snapshots of important moments in their relationship race through his mind, and his voice grows more emotional, breaking a little at times. His eyes are growing misty, and he hates it.</p><p> "You want what is best for them above all else. Even your own feelings. If that means leaving them, because they still have things that are important where they are, you do it. Even if it hurts you. Even if it hurts like hell."</p><p>He brings his hand up to wipe his eyes. "We weren't like that. We never were. It was a crush that faded. It's just the way life is. Please go away."</p><p>He slammed the door in his face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Wearing our Vintage Misery, I think it looked a little better on Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the finale! I hope you enjoyed this fic! </p>
<p>Please leave a comment or some Kudos &lt;3</p>
<p>I’m on Tumblr with the same username, if you want to say hi or send me a request Via DM!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the door has slammed in Adam's face, Kenny lays back down and groans. His head is still pounding and he hurts all over. </p>
<p>"Kenny. Don't get mad at me for saying this... but..." Don looked away. "You need to talk to Kota."</p>
<p>"No. Oh no, absolutely not!" He sits up quickly and grabs his head, regretting it almost immediately.</p>
<p>"Kenny. You were concussed when you fought Moxley. You couldn't walk, you couldn't think, you were barely functional. I've never seen you that hurt, not after Okada, Jericho, or even Cody-"</p>
<p>"You know not to say that name-" Kenny tried to interrupt, but Don continued.</p>
<p>"And the only thing on your mind, was if Kota was alright. Even when you were half dead, the only thing you could think of was his safety."</p>
<p>"Exactly! I was concussed! Confused!" He tried, but Don shook his head.</p>
<p>"Sometimes you need to do what's best for you, too. Sometimes... it's okay, to be selfish."</p>
<p>Kenny looked down. "I'll... I'll consider it."</p>
<p>He appreciates Don calling him on his bullshit. It means he cares, and right now? That's everything. He knows he's right, and he knows it needed to be said, but it doesn't stop him being scared. What if Kota didn't want to hear from him ever again? What if it threw him off at the most important moment of his career?</p>
<p>He couldn't be responsible for that.</p>
<p>"But not before Wrestle Kingdom. He has his own goals in mind." He compromised. "It's only a few weeks. I'll be alright."</p>
<p>"Alright then, whatever you think is best. Remember, I'm always here, for whatever you need. And please... never scare me like that again."</p>
<p>"No promises." He gave him the first real smile in days.</p>
<p>——</p>
<p>January 4th.</p>
<p>———-</p>
<p>He's watching from an ocean away, as Kota achieves his dream. The dream that he stayed for. </p>
<p>He's watching as Kota raises the belts. One black, one white. Two polar opposites, coming together as a pair. </p>
<p>He's watching as tears of relief fall down his face, near indistinguishable from the sweat dripping down his forehead. </p>
<p>He switches off the television, tossing the remote onto his bedside table. He huffs as he throws his head back to the pillow. </p>
<p>He hates how proud he feels. His heart feels like it's glowing with pride. His golden star had achieved everything he had ever dreamed of since he was a boy, and Kenny was so happy for him. He hates how happy he is. He hates that he can't let go.</p>
<p>He hates that he's not there to celebrate with Kota, to hold him close and tend to his injuries while he tells him just how proud he makes Kenny every single day. He hates that he can't feel Kota. He hates how much he wants to be there.</p>
<p>He just feels overall pretty miserable, and he's barely sure why. What he does know, is that fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it, is a bitch.</p>
<p>He types out a tweet in Japanese, before putting his phone aside, preferring to stare at the ceiling. </p>
<p>'Finally. Congrats.'</p>
<p>He lies awake for a while, remembering the days he had spent months repressing his memories of. He scrolls past the hundreds of messages in his and Ibushi's text history. </p>
<p>He ignores that Kota's contact name in his phone is 'My Star'. </p>
<p>He laughs through bittersweet tears, reliving some of the moments, the memories. The wins and the losses, the late night fights to the early morning flights.</p>
<p>He cries himself to sleep.</p>
<p>It was better to be weak now, when he was alone. No one was allowed to see this part of him anymore. They would only ever see the Cleaner, or the best bout machine. Personas he had created. </p>
<p>No one but Kota could see this part of him ever again. He wouldn't let anyone else see this part of him.</p>
<p>He sleeps well. There's no dreams to taunt him, or give him any false hope. He's finally getting a break from all the thinking. He hates over thinking, the swirling thoughts turning a notion so innocent into the very incarnation of despair.</p>
<p>He gets the call at 4:37 am. </p>
<p>He was woken by the sound of his phone vibrating on his bedside table. He had no clue how long he'd been asleep for, or what time it was, or anything. His eyes were bleary as he sat up. In a moment of weakness, he picks up. </p>
<p>He knows Kota has gotten restless. He always grows restless after matches, when excess adrenaline is still racing through his system. </p>
<p>They both suffered from it, but Kenny was better at dealing with it. The man was constantly restless anyway, he was a swirling hurricane of emotion and overall intensity, even though he tried to be as easygoing as he could. </p>
<p>That constant train of thoughts, positive or negative, only subsided when he was in the ring. Or, worse, when he slipped into that aggressive headspace that he hated so much.</p>
<p>Kota was naturally calm and quiet and composed. He only let himself slip into chaos in the ring, or in a desperate situation where he needs to let go a little.</p>
<p>They don't talk about it, they never do, but they find it curious, how they mirror each other. Kenny and Kota have always been equal and opposite. An angel in white and his demon in black. </p>
<p>When he got so restless like this, Kenny would usually hold him, and it was one of the few times where he had to be the calm to Ibushi's storm, instead of the other way around.<br/>
He'd play with his hair and lay there with him, help him through the night. He would always need a coffee first thing, but he knows it'll be worth it. Making him feel better was always worth it. That's why he would walk those long hotel hallways at 3am to get some ice for Kota's neck, or shoulder, or whatever ache was bothering him.</p>
<p>Kenny understands how he's feeling. He always understands Kota, everything about him. And like everything about them, it's mutual.</p>
<p>It's hard to be there for him that way from the other side of the world. He wants to be there for him, his heart aches for it.</p>
<p>Why must they be an ocean apart?</p>
<p>Kota's voice pulls him back to reality. His voice is raw and filled with love and emotion, and just the sound of it after so long is enough to render Kenny totally speechless.</p>
<p>"How do we tell ourselves that we are nothing to each other... while our hearts feel like it's everything they've ever wanted?" Kota's voice said, through the phone. </p>
<p>It was a thought-provoking line, one that shook Kenny to his very core. He didn't speak, but Ibushi could hear his breathing, and that was enough. He was there, and that was enough. Anything was enough, as long as it was Kenny's.</p>
<p>"My heart is begging me to talk to you. I can't sleep... I've called everyone in my contact list, I can't sit still. I can barely think." Kota sighed. "I did it, Kenny. So why do I feel like this?" </p>
<p>Something in Kota's voice is conflicted. Kenny can hear pain in his voice, both emotional and physical. </p>
<p>Kenny is still bitter. He shouldn't be, he has no right to be. He was the one who left, he didn't even ask Kota to come with him. But they both knew the reason for that. </p>
<p>It had been Kota's dream, which dissuaded Kenny from asking. Both of them had misunderstood that dream at the time. </p>
<p>Kenny decided to speak. "Was it worth it? Staying for your dream?"</p>
<p>"No." He admitted. "It wasn't my dream, Kenny. You never understood my dream, and neither did I. You should have just asked me to come with you. I would have."</p>
<p>"Then what was your dream, if it wasn't to win the IWGP title?" Kenny asked. He wanted to hang up. This was too much, he wanted to get away. He wanted to escape </p>
<p>"I realise now, that... my dream was for you to be by my side when I won." Kota confessed. </p>
<p>"Oh, Bu-san...." he whispered into the phone. His voice was heavy with emotion.</p>
<p>"I... I hope you were watching me. I hope you're proud of me..."</p>
<p>"Kota, I couldn't be more proud of you..." he finds himself smiling despite how heavy things feel right now.</p>
<p>"I was thinking of you. I miss you, so much that it hurts." Ibushi said softly.</p>
<p>"I love you." Kenny replies, not missing a beat. No hesitation, no restraint. He meant it too, he meant it with all his heart and soul. It felt good to say those 3 words again, and feel like they had meaning again. </p>
<p>"We're both champions." Kota said, smiling, trying to lift their spirits a little bit. </p>
<p>"Just like we used to dream of." Kenny replies fondly, and Kota chuckled. "All the way back in our DDT days."</p>
<p>"Yeah. I remember those days." He smiled. "You were so young back then.  Still naive and trusting, and you barely spoke 3 sentences of Japanese." He laughed gently. "You had so much hope in your heart. I miss when you believed in yourself. You should believe in yourself still. I hate that Cody took that hope and belief from you. I'll never forgive him for it."</p>
<p>"I'll never forgive him for hurting you." Kenny said. "Never. I'll never forgive him for any thing he did to you."</p>
<p>He was oddly touched by Kota's statement. It hit him in a very real place. There was a long silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, nothing ever was with Kota, but it was nervous.</p>
<p>"Do... do you think I can beat Jay?" Kota asked nervously.</p>
<p>"Switchblade?" Kenny scoffed. "Of course. I mean, it's not going to be easy, he's a member of Bullet Club. You know how it is, you've got to be tough to keep your spot, especially if you're leading the way that Jay is. But you're Kota Ibushi. The golden star. So perfect even I doubt if you're even human."</p>
<p>Ibushi's laugh echoes down the line, ringing clear and wonderful. It leaves Kenny in awe for a moment, but only a moment. He can feel those sparks dancing up his spine. It's a wonderful feeling. Kota's laugh is probably his favourite sound in the world.</p>
<p>"Kenny-tan, please. I've already heard enough praise today, and I know that when you get started you can't stop yourself." </p>
<p>"Guilty as charged. Has anyone told you that you laughed like an angel?" He said, and he </p>
<p>"Kenny, you've told me that many times." </p>
<p>They laughed gently, but it didn't last very long. They keep being reminded of the distance between them, and it hurts. Kenny wants to be able to touch him. To know he is there.</p>
<p>"I miss you. I miss you so much." He wipes his eyes, which were suddenly growing teary. No, he wasn't going to cry. That felt manipulative.</p>
<p>"Maybe I should pay you a visit?" Kota suggested</p>
<p>"Kota, your schedule is already insane... and I think if you come here I won't let you leave. That's not even mentioning the current situation with the world- we just can't. As much as I would love it."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Kota said.</p>
<p>"You've done nothing wrong, what are you sorry for?" Kenny assured him, before asking with as much tact as he could. Which, at this point, really was not much.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry for not thinking that you would be hurting too. If I'd have known-" He started, but Kenny cut him off</p>
<p>"Kota, If you're guilty then I am too, I should have called you, I should have reached out, instead of trying to act like everything was alright." </p>
<p>There was another comfortable silence, time for them to take a couple breaths, a moment to think.</p>
<p>"Fate really does keep bringing us back together again, huh?" Kota said, breaking the train of introspective thoughts that were whirring in Kenny's mind.</p>
<p>"Yeah. And I'll be forever thankful for it." He agreed.</p>
<p>"So, where do we go from here?"</p>
<p>"I think we just... keep things light and breezy. We shouldn't put a label on it, we're not boyfriends again, but maybe we'll get there. We'll go with what feels right." </p>
<p>"But no one else?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's right. No one else. Just you and I."</p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"I love you too."</p>
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